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I would like to spend a few minutes, talking about the darker side of what happened to me and how it has affected me. Once released from hospital, I slotted back into daily routine of caring for my wife. I found that I became exceptionally tired, akin to discharging my batteries very quickly. Most of our garden is paved except for a small patch around 6 foot by 6 foot that has had the paving bricks removed to make a small soil patch that we can grow nice colourful plants directly into the ground. If I spent 10 minutes tending to it, I would have to lie down! I also found that almost every day I had to have an afternoon nap for 30 to 60 minutes.
The next big change I discovered, was short term memory problems. I could ask you if you wanted a cup of tea and happily go and make a cup of coffee. It also made having a conversation difficult at times. I also found I had chunks of memory missing. At times I read incessantly. I like to select an author or series of books and read them in order. An easy read for me is the Lee Childs character Jack Reacher. He releases a new book every year and there must be 15 to 20 in the series. I have read them all before, but decided to do it again. I found that the first 10 or so in the series, I was familiar with the story but did not know what happened next. The next 5 or 6 books, it was as if I had never read them before. The storylines were new to me. The last few were similar to the first. I had an inkling but now more.
This transfers into normal life. I have chunks of my life that I cannot recall, yet if someone jogs my memory, if I am lucky the thought returns whilst at other times, nothing.
Whilst all this was going on, I found it increasingly difficult to control my temper. I would become angry at the most ridiculous of things at the drop of a hat, and always directed against my poor wife. Eventually this behaviour was pointed out to me and after a period of reflection, I decided to get help from a Psychiatrist who I knew. We had 6 sessions and it was enlightening. Did it fix my problems? Partially! I still become angry far too easily but usually, I recognise what I am doing (but not every time) and manage to correct myself.
I have had my fair share of illness since 2017 and it allows me to realise that unless you as an individual have been ill, you cannot possibly imagine what it is like! We do not want sympathy, but at times, life does seem an uphill struggle. How do I personally cope? Easy, the sun is going to rise tomorrow regardless of how I feel, so the choice is hide or meet it head on!
